I’m writing this on New Year’s Eve, from home, since I took the day off work to recoup as I head into the New Year. I really want 2016 to be amazing, and to ring it in right, it was important to make a little bit of time to get caught up and relax, even if for just one day. I need this short break.
2015 was kind of tough for me. I mean, I still have a home, a husband, my fur babies, enough food on the table and love from family and friends. For those things, I am grateful. But emotionally, I feel drained. There were a lot of little things that took a toll on me this past year.
A lot of bloggers and Facebook friends are doing recaps of their year, filled with photos of smiling faces and lists of amazing accomplishments. I would love to do a similar post, but my heart just can’t. Reflecting on 2015 right now, nothing major is jumping out at me as great moments that I want to share or remember. Well, my 30th birthday was pretty bomb, and I enjoyed Thanksgiving Day with my husband, mom and father-in-law, and I did start a fulfilling new job, but after thinking for a few moments, those are the only big, happy moments coming to mind. Which makes me feel guilty that I can’t recall more. I’m sure there were tons of small joys in my year. But as a whole, I just don’t feel great about 2015.
I’m not writing this for any sympathy. It’s just that this has been on my heart for the past several weeks, if not months, that I’ve been in a bit of a rut. I took some time off from posting regularly on the blog as I just didn’t have the emotional energy to share much of anything. I sat down to write several posts, and I did draft several, but most were sad and rambly, or clearly contrived, and I just couldn’t hit publish on them. At the same time, I felt bad that I just left this space. This blog used to be therapeutic for me. I just lost some of my spark. Finally, today seemed like the day to open up and share what’s been on my mind as we wrap up the year, as I catch up on life, as I am doing my best to pull myself out of my rut and find some joy again.
When I think about why 2015 was so … not amazing… for me, there’s not one thing I can point to. There are many things, all piling on top of each other.
My dog got sick. Brick has been having some issues with allergies since earlier this year, and we’ve been having a helluva time getting it figured out. As time went on, things only got worse, and then he developed an entirely new issue: pitting edema caused by low albumin and protein levels that are seeping out of his body, somewhere. At one point, the words “kidney failure” and “cancer” were uttered from my vet’s mouth, which made me panic. It’s neither of those things so far, but my poor puppy is having a rough time. We had to make a decision between an expensive and risky biopsy to find out the problem, or just put him on medication and pray that solves it. After lots of tears and prayer, we decided on medication. Two weeks into his treatment, things are going well, but he’s not out of the woods yet, and I’m terrified that he’s going to die. I’ve been mentally prepared for my oldest cat Captain to go first, but I was totally caught off guard that my dog could be first because of unexpected medical issues. We’ve been to the vet more times in the past six months than in all his years put together, and have dropped more money than I had expected to on this dog. He’s worth it and I want him to be OK, but it’s only more stress on me emotionally and on my checkbook as well.
My uncle died. Just after Halloween, I found out that one of my only two uncles, had passed. My mom took it hard, and some family issues arose out of it. As I was in the weeds at work and making Thanksgiving arrangements, I suddenly had to fit in an unexpected trip back home for his service, which for several other reasons, turned into a big ordeal and lots more travel.
My old boss died and it brought up a rollercoaster of emotions about that job.
My sister-in-law had brain cancer. It was tough to see how much pain it caused my husband. She’s doing much better now, but we’re still healing from the scare and praying it doesn’t come back.
My mother-in-law is also having health issues, and it’s more stress and worry that I see on my husband.
My new job is stressful. I really do love my new job and my co-workers, but I’ve been putting in much more time at the office and at home working, than is probably healthy. I’m struggling learning to say no, set boundaries, manage my time and stay on top of everything.
Therapy is bringing back up old wounds and new feelings. Holy cow, is therapy a rollercoaster. I’m doing some really in-depth work learning more about myself than I ever knew there was to me, and it is trying. It’s all worth it to be a better me, but it sure is tough when I’m in the thick of it.
My health is worrisome. I’m starting to feel like a medical mystery, and I’m frustrated that doctors can’t fix me. My jaw has been clicking, tight and locking up. I black out sometimes. My period is still irregular, and I haven’t gotten pregnant yet. After countless trips to various doctors and numerous blood tests, scans and ultrasounds, everything comes back 100% normal and no one has any idea why I’m so broken. I’ve been off the pill a full year and half now, and everyone thought that for sure, by now I would be normal again, but I’m not. I feel helpless and confused and pissed off about it all.
My hair keeps falling out, and my self-esteem is at an all-time low. And those extensions I loved at first? Hate them now. Nothing seems to work.
I am frustrated at all of the hate in this world and saddened by humankind. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I swear that this year brought out some of the worst in people, and the actions and words spoken by supposed “friends” on Facebook and members of my own community made me pissed off at the world.
I’m questioning my religion. Because of all the aforementioned issues that made me frustrated, I started researching the Christian take on various social issues, and I then found some really compelling arguments that are making me second-guess the Bible and the institution of church. It’s even harder to remain strong in my faith when the most hateful actions and words are coming from people who call themselves Christians. It makes me not want to associate myself with any of it.
I’m sick of my apartment. Two years ago, we thought for sure we’d be in a house by now, but various setbacks delayed said home purchase. I know that things happen and plans change, but it is still frustrating that I feel so far off where I wanted to be by now.
I failed at staying financially on track. Meal planning stopped halfway through the year, and I started relying on delivery, takeout, fast food, and unhealthy dinners more than I should have. I spent more than I should have on things that I didn’t need. I used my overall sadness as an excuse to indulge in shopping and food, hoping it would make me feel better. I hate myself for that.
Again, I’m not writing all this for anyone to feel sorry for me. I just want to be real. I want to heal, and the only way I can do that is by being honest and admitting that not everything is sunshine and rainbows. Life is hard, and there are ups and downs. I’m struggling being in a down longer than an up. I’ll pull out of it in time, I’m sure. Closing the chapter on 2015 feels like a great start. Writing this post helped sort out some feelings too. I do have hope that things will get better soon.
Here’s to you, 2016.